It doesn’t seem well when I said I’ve decided to stay.

I'm dead tired, but before I go to bed....
Here's a message for you.

Nayw,

When I decided to leave, I did it out of anger and frustrations. It seems that I’m no longer in any position for you to love and I don’t worth having you as a partner. I was disappointed, I really am. It hurts so badly, and things you’ve said antagonized me. At that point of time, I wanted to salvage all these, but it tells me that I don’t have to anymore. Since I’ve made up my mind, I had to be firm. I hesitated for hours, pondering if I should change the r/s status? I’ve decided, and I’ve changed it. I told myself not to turn back, unless things between us get better. When I’d left, I was able to carry on with what I was doing; I just kind of miss your family instead of missing you. I was perfectly fine, I could even sing, it felt as though nothing had happened. My actions confounded those who knew what had happened. I don’t know how I was able to feel that way at that point of time? I’m unable to do so now. I really can’t. Just before I went to bed, I was surprised to receive a text from you. I was happy and I was yearning for more.... Just by that little text, I could even tear. I’m one who can’t control my emotions, sorry. It was just that simple, yet I felt touched. I don’t know why, but I choose to act really cool, by just saying “thanks  “I thought for awhile, and I went to sleep. I was woken up by the noise at 3plus, I started tearing, and it wasn’t so bad at first. I checked to see if you were online, but you weren’t. My leg was in pain at that time, and I missed you so much. I wished you were here at that moment. I couldn’t talk to any of them as most of them were asleep. Suddenly I saw something blinking. It was you, damn. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was so happy! Just when I needed you, you were here. It’s like, just so unbelievable. Although I felt happy, I still tear, flashbacks kept coming back to me. I missed those times, I really do, and every little thing reminds me of you. At that moment, my heart allowed me to go for anything I wanted. And it was, getting you bad. Whether you’re going to change or not, I still want to have you back. I felt the happiness we once had together. I was missing it, and it told me, “ that’s what I really need “. Then, I showed my true-self. I knew what had happened earlier on was all unreal. I was just putting on a mask, wanting to let you know that I could actually continue without you and did not want people around be to be worried. I felt so bad, I felt the pain in there, the pain of losing someone I’ve been with for the past 10months, coming 11th. There are so many things we’ve been through, ups and downs, so much fun. I wish I had it all back. Then I knew, I wasn’t ready for the new beginning. I’d prefer the past, although I may not be satisfied with everything. Having to receive that email from you, I felt so great. It makes me wanting to change the decisions I’ve made. Having you to tell me everything nicely, getting an apology from you & etc. I felt so much better. But I regretted for making that choice of choosing to leave earlier on. Because when I want things to be back, it didn’t seem to be the way out for us. Something’s holding us back.. Thank you for all these while, I Love You.

Love, Agatha.